Saturday, June 30, 2007















Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Headless Chicken Patrol

Last night was likely the most stressful shift I’ve ever had since joining this crew. It was the end of our current job and everything I had to do was messed up, or different from what we normally do. The others I rely on for information, enlightenment, or help were all confused and had enlisted in the “Headless Chicken Patrol” when my back was turned.

I was under a deadline to complete our project, it was all fucked up and I was on my own. Couldn’t be much worse until my computer system locked up and crashed hard. After a fruitless hour of wiggling cables and banging on various servers, routers and consoles, I gave in and got Hardware Support on an internal chat program.

Ten minutes later sat comms go down. No support. Five minutes after that the guy in charge of the other half of the operation walks over and asks me how long till the project is completed? I made a nasty reply and then broke down and had a smoke. Dang. After shift, I read a book for a few minutes and then slept 10 hours straight. I haven’t slept 10 hours straight in I don’t know how long.

Tonight has been the polar opposite. I wrapped up our last shipment, slapped a few labels on boxes and BAM, I’m at loose ends for the next few days. In a matter of five hours, I’ve completed every single, little task I can think of and I’m left with only one more-studying and taking a test I’ve been putting off.

You cannot imagine the horrors of studying something known as a Parabolic Radon Transform. The kind of complete and utter boredom that spoons your eyeballs out of their sockets and saws your testicles off with a dull, rusty knife.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I Need A Shave

Its the end of the world-the bigfoot quacks are about to invade the UP...


Tuesday, June 26, 2007





Dickcheese on wheels

It's Tuesday-you know the drill-FTTW

Another rotten day out here. The night before last, we were forced to sail to port for a medi-vac. The guy is going to make it, but he was hurting, bad. While in port, I got a call from my brother. It seems he and his gf and three kids were assaulted while on a bike ride in their neighborhood after a fireworks display by a couple of fuckwits in a car. They pulled all kinds of shit, but the only thing that really matters is they ran over her leg with their car and the kids were there. Now the little one is having nightmares of mommy getting run over and killed.

I know it makes me a bad person but I think that is just enough to justify a bullet to the head for the asshole that did this. Really. I firmly believe that a person like this is a waste of air and should be quickly removed from the list of people currently using up air on planet earth. Anyone is free to explain to me why a person who would run over a mother in front of her children should be allowed to live and I should have to pay to house, feed and clothe them. Or more to the point, why the mother should have to pay said costs after being run over.

Anyway, they caught the dickcheese and I hope he fucking burns, hard. Mother is pretty much OK, resting at home, but I really feel bad for the little girl left with nightmares of her mother being run over and dying.

Last night I hit the rack with this crap on my mind and didn’t fall asleep until around 5pm. Around 8pm alarms go off and I find myself down on deck trying to jam a lifejacket over my head without undoing the straps because I’m standing there in my boxers with one boot, still half-asleep. Ooops, somebody hit the wrong fucking button-false alarm. I didn’t get back to sleep until around 10 and my alarm went off at 10:30.

They just don’t make coffee strong enough for shit like this.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Abdul's got game

They keep trying and I keep trying to help...

Hey Zhai,
THIS is how you write one of these 419 scam emails. Even greedy AND stupid
lawyers won't fall for your pathetically weak scam. This guy, Achmed,
or whatever the fuck-he's got game. Now, don't go getting a big head
Mohummadd-you too can go fuck yourself, but you can at least string three
brain cells together and come up with a coherent thought. Zhai? He's
probably hopeless, but I thought maybe you could give him a leg up...

Cheers, you nut sacks.

ps. Do either of you know the good barrister, Richard Williams, from Dakar?
Our business deal seems to have fallen through and I haven't heard from him in
over two months.

Wasabi, or whatever Abdula said...

--- Abdul Hakim Zamal wrote:

> To:
> Subject: Assist Sincerely
> From: Abdul Hakim Zamal
> Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2007 15:34:42 -0400
> Greetings to you,
> As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe
> everyone will pass on someday everyone eventually has appointment with
> death. My name is Abdul Hakim Zamal a merchant in Dubai, United Arab Emirate
> (U.A.E).
> I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical
> treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according
> to medical experts (I am in a private ward in a private hospital here in the
> United Kingdom). I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never
> really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very
> rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused
> on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.
> But now I regret all this, as I now know that there is more to life than
> just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God
> gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a
> different way from how I have lived it. I have willed and given most of my
> property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a
> few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I
> have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one
> of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to
> some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my
> health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.
> I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute
> the money, which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and
> Pakistan; they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not
> trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contented with what I have left
> for them. The last of my money, which no one knows of, is the huge cash
> deposit of $18 Million Dollars that I have with a Security Company abroad. I
> will want you to help me collect/receive this deposit and dispatched it to
> charity organizations.
> I will like to inform you that for all your time, effort and sincere honesty
> you will be given 10% of the funds, this is from the depth of my heart.
> I'll be awaiting your quick response.
> Wassallam.
> Abdul Hakim Zamal.

Friday, June 22, 2007


Beautiful sunrise, nasty breakfast and a ton of work. Where are you PW and LP? I miss you both.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Yooper Blend

Whats to say? Fathers Day was a bust. The mood on here is subdued to frustrated since the news of our impending doom as a crew and operation. Most of us are not looking forward to being scattered to the four winds. Noneltheless, work progresses much as it always has.

It is hurricane season. This means checking the weather once, or twice a day. I checked several sources, relying mainly on NOAA's National Hurricane Center and there are no tropical storms heading this way, with six tropical waves currently being tracked, none looking especially promising at this time. Check.

Completed laundry. Check.

Surfed blogs and news. Check.

Surfed for tattoo ideas and new houses. Check.

Boredom has officially set in...

Go see FTTW. I suck as usual, but Ian has a great book suggestion, Cullen has rounded out his list of the 25 greatest metal albums with some of my favorites, Branden and Johnny offer up some great stories! If you haven't looked around carefully, you will also find great recipies, a web comic strip, music and book reviews and sports columns, to boot.

/Ben Folds is rockin the suburbs and I sometimes wonder if I am not, in fact, the brick.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents."

One of my fellow writers at FTTW, Dave in Texas came up with a great music video tribute to Bob Ross (October 29, 1942 – July 4, 1995), the talented and forever serene painter who hosted The Joy Of Painting on Public Television in the 80's and 90's. I never watched much TV, but I do remember spending more than a few afternoons shrouded in a certain sweet-smelling smoke, smiling along with Bob at happy little clouds, friendly trees, while waiting for that missing bush to magically appear.

-The title of this post is a wonderful and very typical quote from Bob.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Yesterday I got the news that the end of an era is at hand. The particular operation that me and my fellow pirates are currently performing is going to be permanently shut down. I'll probably have a full column on the subject next Tuesday at FTTW.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Overheard at work today, with no explanation

-I lost at the Brokeback Mustang Car Show-took it right up the tailpipe.


Tuesday, June 12, 2007


A little over a week ago, my ship was cursed by a landlubber. The bastard laid a good one on us, too. We knew it at the time-most of the crew heard the curse, but we hoped it would be one of those weak fuckers that you can brush off after a day. Not.

I believe I mentioned the wrath of the gods at crew-x. Thunder, lightning and driving rain called down upon us at the exact moment we stepped out on the deck of our crew boat to grab the rope and swing across to our ship. Have I ever mentioned this new addition to my commute? In addition to the various planes, cars, trucks, limos, buses, ships, helicopters, trains, rickshaws, sampans and dugout canoes I commute on, I have to swing like fucking Tarzan getting chased by white safari dicks with guns, across the gap between ships as the final leg of my journey. Really, you should hear my Tarzan yell-it would curdle your blood if the sight of my fat ass swinging on the end of a rope hadn’t already done the trick. Yeah, it’s a –wait, I digress, as usual...cursed, I was-am.

So, the curse became evident as we realized a couple of extra hours stuck on a crew boat, starving and hung-over. The curse continues. Last night, after a particularly rough 12 hr shift, I couldn’t sleep for about 4 hours. An hour an half after that, the fire alarms go off and I have to muster down on deck in my jimmies and life jacket. False alarm-back to bed an hour later. Not a good night. Then, this morning I find the fresh water has been shut off-no shower. I am NOT a happy pirate today.

Now get your asses over to FTTW and read my column-I’m not in the mood for anything else.

Monday, June 11, 2007


Today I saw a big-ass hammerhead shark, circling the ship. He was all "I'm a bad-ass, prehistoric-looking motherfucker and if you fall in here I'm going to rip your balls off for an appetizer, first". We were all properly meek and scared. I tried to be a suck-up and threw him a piece of sausage. He stopped, looked over his shoulder at me if to say, "I SAID YOUR BALLS, and you forgot the toothpick, anyway" and then kept circling.

I went back inside and forgot about my mug of coffee on the railing.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Is it Wednesday yet?

Yo Ho Ho. You all know why I'm here and not still in the cove and I can't believe these guys put these videos up, but here's a bunch of interesting videos and that is all I have say about that. Other than to say that, yeah I'm aware that posting a bunch of videos in the same post might not work too well. We'll see...

Thursday, June 7, 2007

If its good for your bollocks...

Crew-x, again. Woke up at 5am, started in on a pot of coffee and a bottle of Baileys. Nearly emptied both by the time we headed to the airport at 6am. For a change, my flights were uneventful. Downed more coffee and Baileys on my second flight and slept on the third. About 5 minutes after landing in Memphis, the airport lost power and the UPS backup, failed. Fortunately, the folks in one of the bars had their registers on a separate UPS system and I was able to drink beer in the dark. Some guy sang the blues.

Last night, I attended a company dinner somewhere across the bay at a beachside restaurant. Free beer and food sums that up. It was an early night and I was back up at 4am for an early breakfast and bus ride to a fuel dock. We’re currently motoring out into the big blue on a crew boat and I’ve set up the laptop at a table on the shelter deck where I found an outlet wired to the ship’s clean power. Its hot and muggy despite the early hour and the port is busy. Helicopters are flying overhead and the tugs re busy pushing fuel barges, big rigs and tankers in and out. A few fishing boats dot the bay. Ship traffic is heavy, causing us to constantly slow down and speed up as we pass ships heading in.

It’s now time to transfer to our ships, but the seas are heavy, it’s raining sideways and lightning strikes are occurring at a rate of one per minute. We’re stuck here for a while...

Transferred, finally. Got soaked and found that my luggage was completely soaked as well, despite residing in a “waterproof” bag. Sat in an air-conditioned room for 3 hours to dry off. Good for your bollocks, I guess.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Say a Prayer

I just started to catch up with my blog reading and I see KAT's hubby is really sick in the hospital. Please say a prayer for him and Kat and the kids. They are such wonderful people and this really stinks:(

In other news, I'm traveling, but up at FTTW, finally.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Tattoo me

Ever since Blondie decided to get a new tattoo, my interest in them has been rekindled. Today I visited a tattoo parlor downtown, browsed the books and kicked around a few ideas. I was stopped by a skull with earrings and a skullcap (no pun intended). He looked just like a pirate, but the whole pirate thing is so commercial with that damn movie just coming out. Sooo, I then thought of the skull and crossbones in my side bar. What say you folks-do you think it would make a cool tattoo? I've never seen a white tattoo, before.

And before I forget, thanks for checking in on me and all your good wishes! Sorry I was so quiet, but I was in pretty bad shape. I did manage to keep up with all your blogs but had little to say other than to swear and complain so I kept silent