Still can't type w/out pain, so a re-run from the now defunct FTTW-a book review on my favorite children's book...
I should preface this by warning that it contains some pretty graphic sex and quite possibly some hot photos, thereby insuring that everyone will read it…
Over the years I have read many books. To say I read a lot is an understatement. Oh hell, I’ll even admit that I used to read while driving, but I’ve never been arrested for it. Well, not yet, anyway. And I have never done a book review, until now. I have finally found a book worthy of review by me. I give you an unsolicited review my latest read:
Where Did I Come From? By Peter Mayle, with illustrations by Arthur Robins
I was taken aback at first by the golden emblem on the cover proclaiming “Over 2 Million Copies Sold!” I haven’t had much luck with the tofu and latte mainstream crap on the bookshelves, today and I shy away from pretty much anything “award-winning”, or “best-selling”. I tend toward the more obscure gems to be found when digging deep into the local used book dealer, with the only exception to popular authors being Stephen King. I don’t care what anyone says, Mr. King is a real storyteller, but I digress.
The reference on the back cover is however, impressive: Doctor Spock gives it top grades for humanness (I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds important) and honesty (I know what this is-honestly), but says some may be offended. I should note that Peter and Arthur have also teamed up to bring us What’s Happening to Me? and hopefully after this offering will reunite to answer the timeless, Whisky Tango Foxtrot? The current Mayle/Robins books are part of an awe-inspiring series that includes the powerhouse, Why Am I Going To The Hospital? and the chilling, ball-breaker titled, How To Be A Pregnant Father. Guys, don’t read this alone at night. Scary. Scary. Shit.
The storyline is pretty straightforward with a mere casual glance. A healthy nod is given to red-faced parents all over the world to jump-start the topic. If you have a kid older than 3, chances are you’ve been nailed to the post with at least one tough question posed 23 years before you were ready to give an answer. You know-your 3 yr old daughter catches you coming out of the shower and asks why your package is smaller than her tootsie-roll. “How do you pee with that little thing, daddy?” Yeah, kids are great.
The kids, themselves take the spotlight next with a few choice examples of speculation on where they came from. My personal favorite is little Tommy who nails it when he says that his dad got him from the saloon. How does one become so wise at five? So far, I’m thinking this is a great book and I’m gonna read it to the little one and then I turn the page. Holy Shit! There’s mom and dad playing together with a plastic boat in the tub. Pop’s wang is swinging in the breeze and he’s hung like a horse. Hello! What are they going to do with that little boat? Mom? Yeah, she’s got a decent rack, but fuck me if she doesn’t look like DAD wearing a wig!
Like I said, they need to reunite and answer the inevitable WTF? So while the fact that mom and dad are not made the same way is covered, you are left with a queasy stomach and wondering exactly how mom and dad are related.
The author tackles the subject with relish and doesn’t pull any punches when he tells children that breasts are like mobile milk bars and gives a quick thank you to breasts in general before moving on. One gets the feeling he wasn’t breast-fed as a child. A sort of honor roll of breast names is presented so our kids don’t get lost when their older siblings start talking trash about titties, boobs, bazookas, etc. After he touches on breasts, he moves on down, but I should not forget to mention I love the shot of the little dude getting a feed on, thinking, “ Ahhh. Milk. Wonderful Milk.”
When covering (or in this case, uncovering) the genitals, Mayle neglects the honor roll of slang. Wang, dang, sweet poontang, and all that. Then, he says that a penis is like peanuts, except without the “t”. WTF? I’ve been looking at mine for an hour and I just don’t see it. His only saving grace is that he promises mine is going to grow bigger someday. I am patiently waiting… He also notes that vagina rhymes with Carolina, so he must have heard the one about, well, never mind. Anyway, no slang terms here-I was disappointed. I mean, what a dick!
Nonetheless, he dives into bumping uglies with gusto! I mean he goes out on a limb to note that we only play hide the sausage in bed most of the time and only because a bed is nice and comfortable. Obviously he’s never done the horizontal bop on a pool table, or pulled the “O” face in the mud at a rock concert, but he’s obviously given the missus a really tight hug, once or twice. That’s right, according to this book, babies come from really tight hugs and the guy’s penis gets bigger because it has lots of work to do. (That’s what she said) Making love (that means fucking) tickles and makes you wiggle. He says it’s like scratching an itch, but a lot nicer and yeah, I suppose that is right on target, isn’t it? Anyway, he says it all ends with a big sneeze
and then it’s all sperms, eggs and babies growing in the “woom” with a b. The book closes with a baby who comes out yelling like a pissed-off football fan.
I suppose this book is appropriate for all ages under 13 and lays out all the necessary bits for a complete birds and the bees story. Sex and babies are covered honestly and simply, just what every parent needs to educate the little ones with only two faults, in my humble opinion. First, the author uses to many analogies. I think the child will toddle away remembering itches, tickling, wiggling and a big, fucking sneeze. I think the analogies should be left up to the parents, tailoring to the child’s age and environment. Second, the image of mom and pop in the tub getting ready to utilize a plastic boat is wrong and for fuck’s sake, mom should NOT look like dad with a wig!