Friday, August 24, 2007

Travis Gruber Sold Here

DISCLAIMER: The following was NOT written by Travis Gruber and is not meant in any way to be serious. I am not Travis Gruber and I am NOT selling anything. I am giving away cheap humor. I mean humor, cheap! -The Pirate

Not to outdone by every news agency and website on the planet, as well as the Queen's Travis Watch 2007, I'm now soliciting offers for Travis Gruber. Movie rights, book deals and personal appearances. Only serious offers of large sums of money, chicks, beer and ham steak will be considered. Kickbacks to the agent (me, motherfucker, me) will earn you preference and I reserve the right to discriminate against anyone without a sense of humor. I guess that leaves one little man and and the news rag he rode out on, out of the running, already. Hmmmm....

This website will now also be the official outlet for the following items, to sold in limited numbers:

Travis Gruber Autographs:
Get the real deal, not a snow job from Mr. Peel

Travis Gruber for Governor T-shirts:
Tommy Stoole is just a girlie-man in need of Enzyte and a good buggering.

Travis Gruber Stealth Condoms:
(They'll never see you coming)

"FREE TRAVIS" Coffee Mugs:
I like my coffee like my reporters; rancid and bitter.

The Pirate says, "We've hired three, disgraced, ex-guardsmen you wouldn't hire to mow your lawn as factory workers, after noticing their last attempt at looking impotent by assisting a half-assed excuse for a journalist attack in what they assumed would be another attempt to discredit the institution that was forced to turn them out as men of questionable character.

These confused, old farts are now working around the clock (literally 24 hr shifts-at Airsoft gunpoint) to churn out these mass-produced, poor-quality items, hand-sprayed with three, not just two types of insecticide. Motivated by the chance at looking better than they did before the guard wised up and forced them out, these men are turning out the best possible products they've learned from master craftsman, Tommy Schmeele-smoke, mirrors and bullshit comments designed to make them look better at your expense. Better than what you get at Wal-Mart and at twice the price due to the limited manufacturing run of these keepsakes soon to be treasured by people who actually get it, everywhere."

It will also offer up-to-the-minute reporting on the continuing mis-adventures of Travis Gruber and his razor-sharp wit that ContraCostco Times reporter Tommy Tool saved Northern California and possibly the world from, just a few short days ago. No telling when the next joke might spring up out of the dark soul that is Travis Gruber and cause babies to turn green, virgins to faint, or groundhogs to sprout vacuum tubes out of their ears; according to The Tool.

Sources at ContraCostco Times have quoted a disgruntled, ex-Salvation Army Santa as saying Travis sold a test model of Top Secret stealth condom-clad seamen in a clandestine fluid transfer between himself and an Indonesian body wax saleswoman with known ties to The California Lobby Against Pseudojournalism, or THE CLAP. Is it a Naval scandal coming, or is ContraCostco trying to sell us another pearl necklace?

In an article from reporter *cough* Tommy Toole, Gruber is cited as not only stealing Top Secret plans for the stealth condom and selling them, along with the above-noted test model, but actually attempting to destroy the only known U.S. supply of these high-tech tuna torpedo toppers. Unfortunately for Mr. Tool, Gruber managed to destroy only the Sacramento warehouse containing the extra-small sized stealthy sheaths. Now, left with only fluorescent models; everyone will see Mr. Toole coming from a mile away, despite his obvious shortcomings...

(Don't miss tomorrow's installment of Hack Jobs; How Tommy "T-for tiny" Toole went from pseudo-reporter at ContraCostco Times to driving a cab in the time it took to investigate and write his last article-about five, fucking minutes.)

**All characters portrayed in this charade were not meant to resemble any persons living, or dead with a reasonable sense of humor, and those who don't get it-well, let us hope they eventually get theirs, one way or another.


Freddie said...

Man... The media (most of it anyway) just sucks.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Pirate, you have truly outdone yourself. I'd be willing to bet that this is going to make Travis feel like he's living in his very own personal "Save Ferris" moment.

Did I just date myself?

Mr. Bud said...

save ferris.
it is a tactic.
the 'military machine' will never know what hit them.
and yes i know they are reading.

Heidi said...

I want a t-shirt and a dozen packs of the Stealth Condoms. Check payable to "Save Travis Gruber" I assume?

The Pirate said...

We prefer you send cash in small, unmarked bills, but checks can be made out to The Pirate, or The Save Travis Gruber Foundation (TM).

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Where do I put my t-shirt order in?

SK said...

Pirate, this was hilarious! And I want a mug!

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is the epitome of humor. Why don't you stop making pitiful attempts to insult people and try doing something with your life?

The Pirate said...

Hmmm, I believe I have stopped, momentarily and I have done one or three things with my life and happen to be quite proud of them, Mr. anonymous.

Please, don't let either of those facts stop you from visiting and commenting. Glad you stopped by, try the veal, I'm here till Thursday and all that rot.

Jonathan said...

Hey Pirate, you can find me we some old E and chicken on the porch hehe

T. Oliver said...

If there are any of the tee-shirts available, I want a couple.
White, with "They'll never see you coming" on the back?
Let me know...